Domino’s Noid Reboot
In a dimly lit cramped space, drab people in drab clothes shuffle by a small window, where a man in a subtly fascist red fast food uniform takes their order.
As each patron orders the main in the window pushes one of three large buttons. A pizza box slides out of a slot underneath.
The camera moves through the window, past the order taker, and through a double swing-door into an area full of arcane, rusty machinery belching smoke and steam into the room. We see workers clad in red radiation suits with two large rubber tubes curving out the hood into a backpack, and the same fascist pizza logo as the order-taker: A large, bold, black N, slightly tilted, blown up all the way to the edges of a white circle surrounded by red. The workers are busy with the machinery. One pulls a large lever, another spins a crank. We see globs of some toxic, foul, lumpy liquid pour from a large overhead pipe into the main part of the machine. As the camera keeps moving inward, the gloop flow dries up and we pass another radiation-suit clad worker as she removes a dull, uncooked, unappetizing pizza from a window in the machine directly under the pipe.
The camera follows the worker with the pizza as she dutifully and robotically carries the pizza further into the room where yet another worker in red sits at a table with square buckets of gray sausage, dingy brown pepperoni, and wilted vegetables. The worker slides the pizza from the large spatula onto the table in front of the seated worker. The camera stops on the bespectacled, seated man as the woman with the spatula exits the frame.
There is a quick cut to a close-up of his nametag and we can clearly see that it reads “Welcome to Pizza Nazi. My name is Andrew Noid. How can I help you?”
Cut back to the full shot of Noid sitting at the table. He glances around to be sure he is alone and produces a large duffle bag from below. He unzips the duffle bag and quickly removes small plastic boxes that seem to glow from within. Each one is a different color. Green, yellow, purple, red. He opens the green box and green light pours out.
The camera cuts to a top down close-up of Noid’s hands as he reaches into the box, which we can see contains fresh, cut green peppers. Working quickly so as not to be seen, he distributes slices of green peppers onto the pizza in front of him. He then expediently closes the pepper box and opens the red one — in which we see radiant, crisp circles of bright red pepperoni — and distributes slices of that as well onto the pizza. As he does so, the bright colors from the pepperoni and peppers bleed into the pizza itself, transforming it into an appetizing, hunger-inducing feast for the eyes.
The camera tilts upwards as we see the previous woman return with another drab pizza on a large spatula. Next we see a series of quick-cut close-ups.
Cut to extreme close-up of her eyes through the plastic window of her suit as they widen while she takes in what she is seeing.
Cut to pizza and spatula clattering to the ground in slow motion.
Cut to woman’s face as she screams a muffled scream from inside her suit.
Noid looks up from his work as if woken from reverie. His expression of satisfaction drains from his face as realization sets in. He grabs his duffle bag, quickly scoops the boxes from the table into it, and runs from the frame.
The woman stands motionless, frozen in shock, as the other workers rush in from the background around her after Noid.
We see Noid bust through a rusty door into a dirty back alley. A moment later the rest of the workers follow.
Angle from behind Noid as the shot follows him fleeing, shakey-cam style. He turns to look behind him for a moment and sees one of the workers about to catch up. Close-up of the tubes coming from his backpack as a pair of red gloved hands reaches out and grabs them.
Noid struggles against the grip of his pursuer. Eventually, the tubes come free from his backpack and fly straight up into the air, spraying some sort of coolant into the face of his pursuer in the process. The pursuer staggers and Noid makes his escape down an alley.
Air raid style sirens blare. There is a flash as Noids picture is captured on a nearby CCTV camera. As the flash fades we see the image that was caught: Noid running, looking over his shoulder with dufflebag under his arm and the red plastic pipes sticking up into the air out of the top of his hood. We hear the voice of an authoritative voice over a loudspeaker as the sirens fade.
Citizens: Be aware, there is a pizza terrorist on the loose spreading shock and fear with his bold flavors. He wears a red suit and goes by the name Noid. If you encounter him, avoid at all costs. Repeat: AVOID THE NOID.
The camera pulls out to reveal the still image inside a propaganda poster. A uniformed man is pasting it on a wall with a large brush. As the full poster is revealed, timed with the loudspeaker announcer, we read the words AVOID THE NOID.
The echoes of sirens and shouts fade into the distance as Noid rounds a corner out of sight. He peers around behind him to see a group of military police run past. He quickly ducks back around the corner and slowly slides down the wall until he’s sitting on the ground, weeping.
After a moment, an arm reaches out of a grate in the wall and we hear a voice from within. Noid looks up with a start and begins backing away.
Psst, hey! Over here! Don’t worry, I’m a friend. There’s plenty like you — like us — out here in the thick of it, fighting the man and making pie. I think we may have a job for you. We meet at the old pizza joint in the forbidden zone every night. When you go, show ‘em this. They’ll know you’re an ally to the cause.
Closeup of the arm reaching out of the grate as the mysterious person hands Noid an ivory white game piece - a domino - painted red and blue on it’s face. The action slides into slow motion, heavenly light floods the area, and music crescendos as Noid reaches for the piece. He’s almost grasped it when there’s an abrupt cut.
We see a domino’s pizza box, a smaller box, and a 2 liter of coke in a field of white. An effervescent announcer begins speaking.
This week at Domino’s order a large or medium 2 topping pizza and get a free order of stuffed cheesy bread or a 2-liter of Coke free when you say “Avoid the Noid.” Offer good only at participating locations.